Jerusalem Post Gazette

AD 33

Subject: Miracles or Scam?

 

It appeared to be a miracle at the temple, yesterday. Followers and the curious, mostly non-believers at the beginning, gathered at the temple to hear several men, followers of the recently crucified radical rouser known as Jesus, as they railed on about the crowd’s part in the betrayal and crucifixion of the man who professed to be the “Christ,” the Son of the Living God. This man has, for several years, presented himself as the Messiah for whom we have all been waiting since the beginning of time. (No exact date of said DOC--Date-Of-Creation--available at time of publication. More to come as additional revelation is given.) 

The main speaker, formerly of the “Peter and Andrew Seafood Company,” stood up and accused the entire assembly of complicity in the aforementioned crucifixion. Emotions ran high for several hours as Peter, and selected others of his ilk, spoke to men from many different lands in their own languages, even though these men were not tutored in the languages of said foreigners. Witchcraft seemed to be in evidence as these events unfolded.

Apparently their powers of persuasion met with sympathetic ears as nearly 4000 men (no mention of women present) responded to the message delivered, and presented themselves for a ritual cleansing act referred to as baptism, once promoted by the now deceased John (The Baptizer). Of these requesting membership into the newly formed religious cult (no name yet found for the cult), about 3000 were allowed to do so, while the others were turned away due to previous marriages, referred to as unscriptural, who do not meet the requirements for participation in the cult, and eventual “Heavenly Experience.”  When met with these limiting factors of membership, many were heard to ask why others, known murderers, gamblers, drunkards, thieves, liberal democrats, slackers and the like were being admitted into the cult. “After all,” said a man of  Samaria, “He can’t be any worse than me. I killed a man before I turned 15 and still hold malice in my heart for all Jews. Just because that man has had several wives and has children by them all, that’s no reason to prohibit him from joining us. After all, this loving God we’ve been told about is supposedly willing to forgive ALL of our past sins and accept us as we are now. What about David and Solomon? What’s this guy supposed to do, send his wife and children out on the streets to beg just so he can join a club? ” No response was forthcoming.

It seems that this movement is just getting started, here in Jerusalem and abroad. It was noted that this Jesus person left instructions to carry this message of love to all peoples and all nations. This admonition was reportedly given just before he (Jesus) returned to his Father in Heaven (God) following his (Jesus') triumphant return to life following his (Jesus') crucifixion and burial--if one believes in that sort of thing. It would appear to this reporter that this new religion has a rough road to travel, following a shaky beginning, here in the Temple during Passover festivities.

Coming soon to these pages . . . Revealing photo of the abovementioned men, plus nine others, at a dinner table in the upper room of the Holiday Inn-City Center. Plot exposed by J. Iscariot, staff investigative reporter.

 Jim Blasdell